October 31
by EarwenLalaith
Summary: It's October 31, how does Snape deal with remembering the one woman he ever truly loved? Set to various songs fitting Snape. Read and review please, even if it's flames. . Rating subject to change.
1. Hello

Chapter 1-Hello

A/N: Okay, well this is a story I thought up after reading Deathly Hallows and I thought it would be interesting to see how Snape had been privately coping with the death of Lily Potter, and how he celebrated her sad death day, on different years. SO, this _does _have spoilers for Deathly Hallows as well as the other books and so if you haven't read them yet, I don't suggest reading this. There are a few lines taken from Deathly Hallows. Anywhoo, I hope you enjoy. .

_**IF YOU HAVE NOT READ DEATHLY HALLOWS, DO NOT READ THIS!!!**_

Disclaimer: No, I do not own any of the song excerpts in these chapters, or the characters OR the dialogue used from the books. I am simply borrowing them, for the sake of literature pleasure. Makes sense? Okay, good, moving on. Geez.

**Playground school bell rings again**

**Rain clouds come and play again**

**Has no one told you she's not breathing?**

**Hello I'm your mind giving you **

**Someone to talk to…**

**Hello**

-_Evanescence _

**October 31,**** 1981**

"_Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!" _

"_Stand aside you silly girl…stand aside now…" _

"_Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead-"_

"_This is my last warning-"_

"_Not Harry! Please…have mercy…have mercy…Not Harry! Not Harry! Please-I'll do anything-"_

"_Stand aside-stand aside, girl-"_

"_Avada Kedavra." _(A/N: Deathly Hallows, Page 281)

And that night, Lily Potter died; fell to the ground, her hair sprawled around her as her son was put to the mercy of Lord Voldemort.

**November 1, 1981**

My mind was one large blank. _Dead. _It was a word I had heard many times, in many places. But now…all I wanted, truly, was to feel the grasp of that word. To be _dead. _It was not a pleasant feeling, but it was the only feeling my mind were allow me to feel. I could see her, in my mind's eye, beautiful, as always, her warm face paled by that cruel reaper, Death. Her eyes, oh her wonderful eyes, I could see them too, lifeless, cold. A chill ran down my spine as I thought of these unspeakable things. Why was it I could never manage happiness? Why did all these horrid things have to fall on my doorstep? Why could someone like James Potter have the luxury of loving Lily Evans, while I fought just to keep her alive, keep her happy, for my own?

All these thoughts ran through my mind, as I stared at Dumbledore, and I slumped into the chair, heart shattering into a million pieces. I know I looked a wreck. I felt like one, my whole world was one. I wanted to feel anger towards the menace that did this to her, I wanted to feel resentment to the man standing over me, I wanted to feel sadness for my own loss, and yet, all I could feel, was the desire to die. Slowly, I forced myself to look at Dumbledore, eyes burning with unshed tears. I heard myself speak, slowly, hoarsely and distantly, in a voice I was beginning to doubt was my own. "I thought…you were going…to keep her… safe …" even the words were distant. They sounded childish, but they were the truth. I had been a fool, I knew, thinking he would be able to protect her. I was foolish to have thought the Dark Lord could ever count more than _her. _

"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," Dumbledore replied, each word burning into my mind like hot flames, licking away at what was left of my feeble heart. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"

These words were even worse. Yes, I had hoped. I had been stupid. I did not need him to tell me. I could scarce breathe, in the wave of feeling that was trying to force itself on me, pulling me down. Dumbledore went on, talking some more, but I was barely listening. I caught faint words, but I barely held onto their meaning. The only meaning I could grasp was: _She was dead, and I would never, ever see her again. _

"Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and colour of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?" I stood at these words, anger finally getting the best of me, triumphing over my numbness of feeling.

"DON'T!" I heard my own hoarse angry voice cry out, in desperation and anger. "Gone…Dead…"

Yes, Lily Potter was gone. She was dead. The whole school was celebrating the vanquish of the Dark Lord, the whole world was celebrating and I…I couldn't muster even a small sneer. I couldn't lift my soul to anything. I could see the students, laughing, overjoyed. For what? Lily Potter was gone. She was dead. To me, there was absolutely nothing to be happy about. Gone, dead. Two words I never wanted to hear, and I was forced to hear them both, in my own mind. My own mind was a traitor to me. It was working against me, making me think of nothing but death, as pathetic as is sounds.

I found it hard to speak to anyone, so I preferred to stay alone. I did not join in the celebrations, any of them. My whole world had collapsed. Despite the fact I had not spoken to Lily for what seemed like ages, I still loved her. I thought of her every day, and I even bought a small present on her birthday, just in case. But I knew very well I'd never give them to her, and I was most likely never going to see her again. But at least I knew she lived, and that she was happy. Now, she was far from alive and happy, and I couldn't help but blame myself. If _only _I hadn't told Voldemort about the prophecy, if _only _I'd been less keen on gaining his favor. If _only _I'd listened to Lily when I had the chance. Now her son was alive, alone, without his parents; and I was alive, alone, without Lily, my once only and best friend. Life could be so cruel sometimes. Dumbledore found that the best way for things to get better was to…move on, but I could not do that. Not when I walked through the school halls, and my memories crept back up on me, wherever I went. I could see Lily, in everyone, in everything. It was the hardest year of my life…

"_Severus?" _

"_Lily?" _

_She giggled. "Don't do that." _

"_All right, what is it then?" _

"_At this Hogwarts school…are we going to fit in there?" she looked so concerned, so worried, for someone so young. Her hair was in braids, one on each side of her head, her eyes widened with curiosity. _

"_I already told you we would," I replied, rolling my eyes. _

_She was silent for a moment, contemplating this. Then she said "Not like that. I mean…will we be special at school? Will they know you're Severus Snape, and I'm Lily Evans?" _

"_Oh! You mean will they remember us, when we're gone?" I tried to understand what she meant, and when I got silence as a reply, I took it I was right. I couldn't help laughing a bit. "Of course we will! I mean, you'll probably be great at it, and they'll probably make you a prefect and Head Girl, so your name'll be on trophies and stuff, so yeah, you'll be famous." _

_Lily frowned at me. "Are you making fun of me?" her nose wrinkled up. _

"_Not at all," I frowned back. _

_Lily seemed to relax. "Oh…okay…" _

And she was remembered. By me, if no one else. I went up to the trophy room the day after her death. I saw her name, alongside that of James Potter. Head Girl. I always knew she would be. She was so smart, so brave, so strong. Who else could be Head Girl but her? Had I only known James Potter would be Head Boy, I would have never _ever _have encouraged her…or would I? I don't know what I would have done, which is why, I suppose, I never knew…

I went to Godric's Hollow the next day, determined to see her grave. I had to see, where she lay. Tears pricked my eyes as the cold November winds nipped at me, but seeing her name on stone made it all too real for me. I touched the cold white marble, tracing over the letters with my finger.

_Lily Potter, born 30 January 1960, died 31 October 1981_

_The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death. _

Tears spilt freely down my face at the words. Died. She was really dead. Underground. Below my feet, right there. I wondered if she was still as beautiful as she had been alive, even if she was cold. Was her hair still bright, soft and slightly curled at the ends? Were her eyes still green, even though the life had left them? These were questions I asked myself over and over again, never really finding an answer. I supposed she was still beautiful, still wonderful, still the perfect flower I had loved in life. And the thought alone was enough to reduce me to tears of anguish. I didn't care if anyone saw me. All I cared about, was that I was alone, and my Lily was gone, without me.

"_Why didn't you take me with you?" _

A/N: Okay, well, that was my first chapter. I'll have more. . Review please! I love it when you do. It encourages me to write more. xD


	2. Remember When it Rained

Chapter 2-Remember when it rained

A/N: Thank you to the people who reviewed so far, it means a lot to me, which is why I'm updating. . This one may not be as angsty as the last one, and so enjoy. XD

Disclaimer: Buddy, if you don't know I don't own Snape, Lily or any other HP charrie, you have _serious _problems. Seriously. xD

**Remember when it rained**

**I felt the ground and looked up high**

**And called you name**

**Remember when it rained**

**In the darkness I remain…**

_-Josh Groban_

**October 31, 1985**

Four years. It had been four long years since Lily had died. I thought of her every single day of my life since then, at least once. If I saw a girl with red hair, I thought of her. If I saw something green, I thought of her. It was ridiculous almost, to what point I thought of her. Dumbledore told me numerous times I needed to get over her. I needed to move on with my life, and I needed to be less bitter towards the world. I didn't mind being bitter. I didn't want anything to do with anyone in the world anymore. Not since the world had chosen to be so cruel, so heartless, towards _me_.

I had planned to go back and visit her grave that year. Dumbledore had told me I could not go, seeing as I was a teacher, and my duty was to the school.

"My duty is to no one but her, Albus," I hissed at him, storming back down to the dungeons. I did not come to the Halloween feast. Somehow, I couldn't muster the energy to go sit and listen to everyone chatter excitedly about the anniversary of the day You-Know-Who was vanquished. Once again, no one cared to think of Lily. Once again, her death passed by unnoticed by all except me. The dungeons did not help. It was cold and damp, no one there but me. I knew I'd go insane if I stayed down there any longer. I walked back up towards the Great Hall, but did not stop there. I went up the stairs and continued to walk from floor to floor, ignoring the comments the paintings made to me. I went up to the fifth floor, and passed by a deserted classroom. I opened the door and stayed there. It was much larger and warmer than the dungeons were, and there were glass windows everywhere. I knew this classroom. Lily had brought me here once; I remembered it so clearly…

_Lily ran through the halls, into the classroom. She shut the door after I'd walked in, panting heavily. She smiled. "There, now stupid Potter won't bug us. He doesn't know about this place." _

_I blinked. "He doesn't?" _

"_No," she shook her head, walking over to one of the tables and sitting on it, swinging her legs back and forth. "I found it on my own once, in first year, when I got lost."_

_I laughed. "You got lost?" _

_Lily's cheeks turned pink. "Just once! And it's not like you were there to help!" she shot a glare at me. _

"_Sorry," I mumbled. _

_Lily sighed. "It's all right. I guess it's not really your fault you're in Slytherin," she opened her book bag and pulled out her homework, sliding onto the floor and spreading it out in front of her. I sat next to her, going through my own things. I pulled out my Transfiguration homework, and my Potions book slipped out. Lily's eyes slid over to it, seeing what was scribbled on the page. "What kind of spell is that?" she asked curiously. "I've never seen that one before, in any of our books, and why is it written in your Potions book?" _

_I snatched the book away quickly. "Some idiot wrote in it I guess," I mumbled. "You know people are always doing weird stuff to my things…" _

_I knew she didn't believe me, but she let the subject drop at least. "All right, if you say so…" _

_We worked in silence for a bit, and to me, silence was golden, if it was with Lily. She was so smart and pretty and I just loved the quiet moments we had together, when we could. But it didn't last. Soon Potter had swung open the door, followed by Sirius Black. They were smirking. "Well, well, well. What are you up to here, Evans? Helping ol' Snivellus with his homework? Can't do it on your own Sniv?" _

_Lily's eyes widened as she sat up. "James Potter I hate you! Go away. We're trying to study!" _

"_Study what?" Black smirked. _

_I wanted to hex him so much. I knew Lily would get angry if I did though. _

"_Why study here?" Potter asked, his eyes glued to Lily. I made a mental note to blind him in the future. _

"_Because I wanted to be away from YOU," Lily snapped, pulling out her wand. "Now go away, or I swear you'll be off to see Madame Pomphrey in a matchbox!" _

_I snickered silently at her quick wit. Potter didn't seem to find it funny. He glared at me and looked back at her. "Fine," he said, smirking. "We'll leave you two to it then," he slammed the door shut, but I could still hear him laughing. _

_Lily put her wand away, huffing. "Right, so where was I?" she went back to scribbling furiously. _

I would never understand how she went from hating James Potter to marrying him. It was a great mystery to me, and still is. I was so sure I had an advantage over Potter. I was so sure eventually she'd love me as much as I loved her. I was wrong. She never really did love me. She liked me, but never loved. I don't think anyone ever really did love me. Another reason to want nothing to do with the world.

I walked over to the window, looking out at the grounds. I could see the spot where Potter had humiliated me, where I'd called her a…_mudblood_. I regretted that day ever since. Nothing could remove the guilt and self-loathing I felt for that. Funny how one day can affect so much. One day can change everything. One day, and you lose your best friend. One day, and she's married to your worst enemy instead of you. I remember how I'd tried to hard to make her forgive me. I did everything. I begged her, even. I wanted her back so much. Why had I done it? To have friends? Half the boys I used to hang out with are gone now, Deatheaters, some dead. To think, I was so desperate to join him, and he was the one who killed her. Because of him, I have no more Lily.

Rain pattered hard against the window, the sky dark and endlessly black, like my heart. I never thought something could hurt so much. I opened the window, sticking my head out to the cold water, falling on me like tiny daggers. Every memory I ever felt for her, every feeling I ever felt for her, came back to me. I let out a loud cry, I cried out her name, louder than I'd ever cried it out before. I had not called her name out like this since…that day. The day she said she was going to marry Potter. It was raining too. I remember it. I ran after her, calling her name. Lily…

"_Lily! Lily!" I ran fast, catching up with her in a matter of moments. "It's not true. Please tell me it's not true." _

"_Leave me alone, Severus. I'm marrying James, and that's it!" _

"_But you hated him! How are you going to marry someone you hate?!" _

"_I don't hate James!" her voice shook. "Just go.'' _

_I stood in front of her, glad it was raining, glad she couldn't see I was crying. I shook my head. "You can't, Lily…" _

"_Oh with this again!? You telling me what I can, and can't do? I have barely talked to you since we left school, Severus, and you know why! Let me be happy and just leave me alone!" she dropped her umbrella, eyes staring at me with pleading and anger. "Please," she added softly. "Just…" _

"_Go," I finished for her. "Fine, I'll go. I'm sorry, Lily, sorry for everything I did and didn't do…" _

I walked off and left her there. I didn't even care. Potter would come and take care of her. Potter would wrap his arms around her. Potter would tell her to come inside and stop being foolish. Potter would do all the things I always dreamt to do. Potter was going to be able to go to bed at night knowing she was right there, and wake up with her right beside him. He would see her every day, every night, all the time. The thought killed me. He did not deserve her. No one really deserved her. She was priceless.

Pulling my head from the window, soaking wet, I wiped my eyes hastily, slamming the window shut. I knew Dumbledore would have something to say about the way I'd acted but it didn't matter. Nothing he did would ever come close to making me feel the pain I felt the day she died. Four years ago my already maimed heart had broken into a million pieces, and I knew I would not get them back again.

I walked back towards the dungeons and stayed there, hearing as the Slytherin students came down, laughing and talking animatedly, forgetting the fact my beloved Lily had died _today_. I hated them all for it, I hated the whole school for forgetting. Remembering was the only way to keep Lily alive.

_They will pay for forgetting something so important. _

A/N: Okay, so yeah, it was angsty again, even if I tried to tone it down, I don't think I did a good job. XD Review please! I'd be happy if you did!!


	3. Frozen

Chapter 3-Frozen

A/N: Once again, _thank you _to everyone who continues to review this story and to those who have it in your favorites, yes that means a lot too. I appreciate all recognition. . This chapter's for you. xD Enjoy. Oh, and I probably won't be able to update this again for a week, I'm going on a trip. As soon as I get back though, I'll have two new chapters! Promise!!

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

**I can feel your sorrow**

**You won't forgive me,**

**But I know you'll be all right**

**It tears me apart that you will never know but I have to let go**

_-Within Temptation_

**October 31, 1988**

I knew that when I went to Dumbledore for help he would be reluctant, and cold. I did not blame him. But I did blame him for not keeping her safe. Now I think back on how different things could have been. How he could have forced her to use someone else, not a traitor. How maybe she would have been safe. She did not like the idea of hiding. I knew that. I remember going to Dumbledore, after he had told her about the plan he had. She was downright furious.

"_She was not happy," Dumbledore told me, shaking his head. "She said she 'wanted to know who was the demon that told Voldemort about the prophecy, so she could kill him'." _

_I looked down at the floor, pursing my lips. I was expected that, but it didn't make it hurt less. "Did you tell her?" _

"_No, that was our agreement," Dumbledore said coldly. "Now go along, Severus. Your students need teaching." _

_I nodded slowly, making for the door. I stopped, turning back to him for a moment. "Headmaster, was she…happy, with Potter and the boy?" _

_Dumbledore did not raise his eyes from the paper on his desk. "Oh yes, Severus. She was, indeed, very happy." _

My heart ached at those few words. _Very happy. _She was very happy, without me. And yet I was not happy unless I was with her. I needed her. I wanted to run over to her house and storm in, telling her everything; how hiding her was my idea, how I was desperately in love with her, how I wanted her safe. But the logical part of me knew this would be pointless and foolish, and I was better off staying where I was, protecting her from afar, keeping her happy. She could never know what I had done. It was like I was not living, like I was looking at life move in front of me through a window, and I could not get in. I missed life like I knew it. I missed laughing and smiling. I missed making Lily laugh and smile. I missed saying her name. Now I could never muster the courage to say it. It was estranged to me now. Ever since that day, exactly seven years ago, I could not bear to say her name without bursting into tears. It brought me pain, it brought me anger, and it brought me regret. I did not cry often. In fact, for three years I have not shed a tear for her, even if I've wanted to. And there had been _many _timesI'd wanted to.

"_Lily, please, don't do this. I can change! I promise I can!" I cried, as she came out of the Gryffindor common room._

_She didn't even turn. She didn't say anything. She was ignoring me! _

"_Lily. I'm going to try. I really am." _

_She sighed, finally turning to face me. "It's too late, Severus. We already talked about this. Leave me alone." _

"_No! Don't say that!" I was begging her now. I would get down on all fours if I had to, to get her to forgive me. _

_She folded her arms across her chest. "I know you. I know you like all that dark stuff your friends do-"_

"_They are NOT my friends!" I tried to argue, but she ignored me. _

"_-and I'm not going to sit back and watch you insult all muggleborns, I don't wanna do it. I can't forgive you for this, you've changed too much already. People are wondering why I hang out with you, now I have one less reason, Sev! I told you all of this already. It's just too late." _

"_S-so we're not…best friends anymore?" I asked her brokenly, my eyes searching hers. _

_Lily bit her lip, shaking her head slowly, looking away. "I guess not," before I could stop her, she ran. _

I barely spoke to her after that, save for when I had to, in class. Then I found out she wanted to marry Potter, and I had to talk to her, only to be reminded of her bitterness towards me. I wished I could have made it up to her, but I knew she wouldn't have any of it. The next two years went by, and when she began dating James, I knew I had died. It must have been hell. No way in this world would Lily Evans _ever _have dated James Potter. But she did. And she forgot all about me.

"Diggory! Bones! Why aren't you at the feast? Go! Now!" I snapped as the two students, hands clasped together, ran towards the great hall, eyes wide. "Twenty points from Hufflepuff!"

Perhaps I should have made it forty, but I was too distraught in my memories to bother with thinking up something as petty as punishment. I continued walking the halls, rubbing my eyes.I knew I would not get away with missing the feast a second time, as Dumbledore had reminded me every year since the last time, so I reluctantly followed behind the two Hufflepuffs, towards the beautifully decorated great hall. How could I have known, during those times I'd sit and celebrate the most important day for witches and wizards, that I would grow to hate the day? How could I have known one day Halloween feasts would become like large Pensieves to me, full of undying memories? I walked towards the staff table, and sat down, jaw clenched. I did not eat anything. I had no wish to. Every student was enjoying the feast, grinning and laughing, eating as much as they wanted. No one seemed as miserable as I felt. Someone sitting on my right was trying to talk to me, but I had no intention of talking to them at all. I didn't even know who it was, nor did I want to. I folded my arms across my chest, acting as though I was simply watching the students, as if I'd want to do that.

_Lily sat at the Gryffindor table, surrounded by a whole bunch of other girls, Potter and his friends not too far away. I sat at the Slytherin table, trying to appear happy, when all I wanted was to go over to the other table and sit next to Lily. I sighed, putting my chin in my hands, hoping the feast would end soon. _

_Lily giggled at something one of the girls said, and for a moment, her eyes found mine. She gave me a small smile and then turned back to the other girls. I smiled back at her, rubbing the back of my neck. _

"_What'cha looking at?" Avery asked me, nudging me. "That's the Gryffindor table! There's nothing to see there!" _

_I looked at him, blinking. "Well there are people." _

"_People!" Avery laughed. "Well there's nothing interesting to see! Those people are all stupid. You know that. Mudblood-lovers and all." _

_I nodded distractedly. Well, not all of them were stupid. I knew that. There had to be a mistake. I knew there had to be. Lily could not be a Gryffindor. Maybe there was still time, I thought. It was only October. School started a month ago. I could have asked Dumbledore to change her house. I was sure he'd do it. Lily would be so much happier in Slytherin. She had to be. But then I paused, right before getting up. I thought of what Avery said, Mudblood. That word was common among Slytherins. Maybe Lily wouldn't like it here after all…maybe she was better off away from me, maybe she was happier. _

And I had been right. She had been happier, and that was what mattered I supposed. Whether I was happy or not barely mattered, even then. I wanted her to be happy. Always did, I knew I always would. But then…she died. Somehow, fate had gone wrong, and Lily was dead.

Before I knew it, the feast had ended. I stood and went back down to the dungeons, rubbing my eyes. Tomorrow I would wake up and this would all seem like a bad nightmare. Lily would be gone from my mind, as I went to my classroom and taught the students, taking marks from the insolent Gryffindors, and awarding them to the Slytherins. I would be back to normal, tomorrow. I'd be back to looking at life through the closed window. And I would act like it was all right. No one would know how heartbroken October 31 would always be for me, and I would go through the year easily enough, at least, until next Halloween. And then it would begin all over again.

As I went to my bed, I looked up at the sky, and wondered if among the stars glowing brightly, Lily was there, thinking about me like I thought about her. Maybe she was. Or maybe she wasn't, maybe I was foolish to think so. Yes, I was a fool. But then again, they say that:

"_Only fools fall in love." _

A/N: Yes, this was shorter than the other two, but I promise the next one'll be a LOT longer. . Wow. This one seemed a lot fluffier around the ending. winces I'll have to make up for that later too. xD Please review people!! It's easy! You could even put one word, and I'd be happy, BUT I NEED REVIEWS!! Pretty please with a sexy little Snape on top?

Snape would love you if you did. . Well, I think he would. xD


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